You may know of or be in a relationship with the worst of the “bad” narcissists. They are the angry, entitled ones who are typically “covert,” too. These proverbial wolves in sheep’s clothing act like “innocent lambs” in public. They may be the neighborhood's, church’s, or your extended family’s do-gooder who helps everyone. Others comment about how “wonderful” they are, but privately, with those who love them the most, these high-level narcissists are cruelly demeaning and dismissive.
They consider themselves superior or entitled and are secretly nasty, demanding, critical, condemning, and punishing. They often twist their victim’s words and intent, then walk or run away in an indignant huff, and snub them for weeks and months. Later they are nice to their victims for awhile to keep them from leaving. But soon the cycle begins again. Victims are emotionally exhausted.
They blame their victims and label them as liars, “bad,” manipulating, blatant sinners, and worse. Then they judge, condemn, and punish them with wrathful lectures, curses, name-calling, slammed doors, threats, silent treatment, abandonment, and other disgusting acts.
When you are in a relationship with one, they treat you with loathing while insisting you are an abuser who is abusing them! Although you try to please, whatever you do is never right or good enough.
When you do not fulfill the impossible act of giving or doing everything they want and the way they want, they use “victim talk” and viciously blame and punish you for “hurting,” bothering, or inconveniencing them. When their contemptuous behavior goes beyond your capacity to tolerate it, and you eventually say something, they retaliate haughtily and tear you apart emotionally. You are their punching bag with no right to say, “That hurts.”
They appear outstandingly “good” in public and make sure their “goodness” is noticed. Appearing pious to outsiders, they may have a priestly demeanor, just as the prideful man described in Luke 18:11-13. He announced his superiority and self-righteousness publicly and thanked the Lord that he was better than another person humbly praying nearby.
While they carefully make themselves look good, never forget that these “bad” covert narcissists have zero empathy for you or feel any remorse when they inflict cruelty. Behind closed doors, they expect quick agreement, servitude, and adherence to all they demand – or else! And there will surely be an “or else.”
Some mild-tendency narcissists have loved ones who crave a real emotional connection but have learned to cope with the lack of empathy. They endure these narcissists as incurable show-offs. They are considered “not so bad” and are often appreciated for their bold behaviors. However, the “bad” covert narcissists, much higher on the narcissistic personality spectrum, can devastate and destroy their loved ones! Because their public image is so “perfect,” victims often find the ones they turn to for help do not believe them. That is sad and causes the innocent victim to feel shame.
The narcissist's behavior is not the victim's fault. We will discuss in a future blog how to protect yourself and be victorious! For now, beware of covert narcissists. Avoid “biting their bait” or engaging in their behavior on any level. Instead, focus on what brings you joy and God’s peace that “passes understanding!” And consider getting some one-on-one support and guidance from a counselor who understands and has answers. www.SandyMcKenzie.com
© 2025, Dr. Sandy McKenzie
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