While shopping in a boutique grocery store and pausing for coffee, a client's old high school classmate saw her and said, "Hi!" They had had many of the same friends in school and went to a couple of sports events together - nothing more. She had not seen George in over twenty years.
He suggested getting some coffee and catching up as they stood by the store's snack bar. Although she did not want to take much time from her errands, she felt it would be rude to say “No” and heard herself mutter, “Sure.” And they each bought a small coffee.
After chatting about old acquaintances for 5 or 10 minutes, they said “Bye,” parted ways, and she did not see him again. But she began to worry. Her husband frequently attacked her with jealousy and false accusations. She feared that if she shared about running into George, he would explode and abandon her with his long silent treatments.
Afraid of his tortuous emotional battering, she did not mention the brief conversation. Then, over the next year, she felt guilty for not telling him about the chance meeting and wondered if she should confess her “sin” to him. Sally asked me for insight and guidance.
A safe relationship of "complete disclosure" is the relationship model the Lord gives us. And, of course, Sally wanted to share everything with her husband - without fear of cruel accusations and punishment. Instead, he was emotionally unpredictable and too dangerous for her to share freely. And he delivered his attacks the hardest whenever she thought all was good.
He would have used her unexpected meeting as an excuse to condemn, devastate, and demand she "get out!" This is a heartbreaking situation. I would suggest not discussing the incident with him until she had a solid support system and safe place to go. If he becomes emotionally healthy and safe, the marriage has renewed opportunities.
There are stories in the Bible of wise women of faith who said nothing and went forward doing what they were supposed to do. One is Queen Esther. She did not reveal her Jewish heritage to her husband, the king until the time was right (“for such a time as this,” Esther 4:14). Abigail (I Samuel 25:23-31) did not tell her abusive husband she was making amends for his cruel behavior toward the soon-to-be king, David. She said nothing, did what was right, took food gifts to David and his men, and apologized for her husband’s behavior. Her actions saved the lives of her husband, herself, family, and employees. If she had told her husband, he would have angrily stopped her.
Quiet wisdom is a virtue. One does not always have to “spill their guts” to be truthful.(Proverb 17:28, “Even a fool seems wise if he keeps his mouth shut.”) And, if disturbed by false guilt, take authority over tormenting spirits. Say, “Go in the Name of Jesus.” And ask the Lord to fill you immediately with “peace that passes understanding.”
Her husband’s dysfunctional and abusive behavior had damaged her sense of self and wisdom. Sadly, he is not a "rational” person with whom she can converse openly and reasonably. She should go forward in the peace of the Lord ... and consider being open to a change in the hurtful circumstances of her marriage.
Use wisdom in all that you do. Proverbs 10:14 says, “The wise do not tell everything they know.”
© Dr. Sandy McKenzie (2025)
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